Almost Official

Well, it finally happened. Governor Schwarzenegger has ordered an immediate hiring freeze. Can't say I'm surprised. With the economy in its current state, it was inevitable. How does this affect me? Well, I am a state worker. In California. But besides that, I have accepted a position with another local law enforcement state agency . Contingent upon that offer was a full scale background investigation. My investigation is completed (yes, I believe I passed!), however I am still waiting for 'the powers that be' to approve my recommendation. I'm fairly certain the freeze won't effect my new employment since I'm so far into the process (going on three months). But you just never know.

While I am not too worried, the thought of remaining in my current position much longer might drive me to the brink of insanity. It's not that I hate my job. I don't. The people are great, the hours are good, the content is interesting. I'm just BURNED OUT. And three years in this job is about the norm for people in my line of work.

I'm looking forward to travelling a new career path. And I think I have finally found the path I'm most passionate about. I feel like I have spent years searching for my 'niche.' For a long time, I thought it was the corporate arena and while I was in the middle of it, I enjoyed it thoroughly. However, it wasn't meant to be.

State civil service has been interesting, and the polar opposite of Corporate America. The shift in mentality was immediately apparent. State workers are stereotyped for a reason. No late hours, no overtime, no working even a minute past your scheduled shift end. I found it incredible that 'mediocre effort' was not only acceptable, but encouraged.

My new path, while still in state service, will put me in a brand new world. The work, while highly confidential, will hopefully be the most rewarding journey to date.

Desensitized

I need to tread lightly with my topic today. It can be the cause of friction for me and K and we see things in very different lights at times. This is (sort of) a follow up for her rant regarding her ex. Every now and again I get to speak my mind to him. Here are the rules:

1. It has to be about what I've personally experienced.
2. It has to be about me or the kids.
3. It has to be constructive (on my part) and abandoned should it not prove fruitful.
4. I have to make him cry - that's my rule!! I'm 100% at following this one!!

He began in September only treating ME badly and it trickled into him treating K badly. His treatment of me escalated into a level that I was done tolerating. I believed he was being too negative with me in front of the children and I could see the kids were reacting to this. That's when it's crossed the line for me. He can be an asshole to JUST ME all day long and I really could care less. I care about how he treats K but that's not my battle. I see K and her ex as being more or less desensitized to one another. They have the same arguments in the same ways they did in a marriage that didn't work. So, with emotionally fueled topics I see it as them both hitting their heads against the wall to a degree.

It's the most odd phenomenon to me that when I get to unleash, in my therapy approved way of active listening, he cries and "changes" for a bit. He'll be downright NICE and I breath e a tiny sigh of relief. It's a cycle with him. Unfortunately, the other shoe always drops. But we have some reprieve and that's all we can ask for.

I opened my most recent conversation with asking him to explain why I had made him so angry at me. I, being the monster I am, showed up at K's oldest sons first day of school, upon the request of the child. That is something (and there should be a flyer sent out cuz I had no idea!!) RESERVED FOR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS OF CHILDREN ONLY. As are parent teacher conferences, I found out later on, but anywhoo . . . . . . . Yes, my support of his son was NOT okay even at the request of THE SON. There's a WHOLE LOT more to it than that but I'll not go into it. I think you can see me for the horrible person I am and the rational saint the ex is!!

The moral of the story is, that when you let someone unleash four months of pent up anger at you and "paraphrase it back to them" they just might get it. I listened to him let him abuse me and he absolutely tried to get in some good digs. But in the end I said. "So, what I hear you saying is that when we, as adults, are upset with each other it's okay to treat one another poorly in front of the children, we are allowed, in those instances, to be poor role models. Thank you, I guess I just needed to know the rules." We got off the phone on that note.

And he's been better ever since. He's been polite to all of us and communicative with K. That's all I really wanted. Adults to be adults. We need to take the high road always, not that I want to . . . . . . . because at times, I'd love to fight fire with fire. But I don't.

It's just odd and amazing that the same words from different people can have such dramatic and different affect.

And, yes, I made him cry. I always make him cry when he talks to me. I have no idea why, I'm not actually mean to him. I think I'm so direct I cut him to the quick. He's used to the very angry, passive-aggressive dance he does with K. I take him out of his comfort zone and it's not fun for him.
And for me?? Let me just say this, it DOES NOT break my heart when he cries. He owes every one of those tears to K and those children for his past ugly behavior.

Meme

I guess I'll take the hint. ;) I've been tagged by both Athena and OC, so here goes. :)

Rules: Link to the person that tagged you, post the rules on your blog, share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself, tag six more bloggers at the end, and then leave them comments so they know they've been tagged.

1) I once literally launched a tooth across the room when I was seven years old by trying to open a bottle of pancake syrup with my teeth. To this day, loose, wiggly teeth ook me out and give me the heebie jeebies. Reminds me of that event and the feeling I had in my mouth.

2) I have an obsession with clean floors. I hate dirty carpet and kitchen floors with a passion. Dirty countertops and tabletops don't bother me so much. But dirty floors... I shudder just thinking about them.

3) I am an avid aquarist. I just got my fifty gallon tank up and running after it was sitting in my garage for six months (it was stored after my divorce). I've driven LK nuts this month because I've spent a ton of money on supplies and I can't stop obsessing over it. I love fish. :)

4) I cannot sleep if someone or something is touching me. I need my space and am not very cuddly in bed.

5) I am really bad at searching for things. I mean really bad. I am teased endlessly because most often what I am looking for is right in front of me. This happens a lot. Especially when I'm in a hurry.

6) I bite my fingernails. I hate it and I have stopped in the past, but when stressed, I revert back.

Since most all the bloggers I know out there have completed this meme, I won't be tagging anyone. I'm boring like that! :)

A Bad Day - Revisted

Yesterday was a bad day. I was running late to work, trying to fix lunches for the family and feeding the boys breakfast, pretty much simultaneously, when I discovered my 12 year old cat dead in the garage. He was laying in this strange position that didn't look comfortable, I bent down and pet his legs but he didn't react. My hectic morning, which was more or less a blur, suddenly stopped and had a much more acute focus than I had anticipated for the morning. I went inside to get K, I'm fanatical about my cats and K will tell you I like them more than most humans . . . I'll not disagree . . . BUT I KNEW I was mistaken, my kitty was okay, I was overreacting . . . . .K would make the cat be alive. . . . . . I was SURE of it. I was already crying when I went in the kitchen from the garage and asked for her help. Okay, that asking might have been sort of sobbing and . . . . . I really don't remember much else. . . . .or if I even used words. I may have just motioned to the garage.

K was kind enough to clarify for me that the cat was indeed dead. I made her check for breathing, turn him over, check again for breathing and then CHECK FOR BREATHING BECAUSE HE'S NOT DEAD. No denial here. I'm fine now, really :)

When we returned into the house, the kids were scared and thus begins my bad day revisited. I stopped and took a deep breath. D*mn, I didn't mean to scare the kids. For the 5 minute process of discovering my pet and confirming it's death, I only thought of myself and my pain. I looked into these tiny scared eyes fixed on me and my crying. I began to explain what had happened to the kitty. We spoke at great length, I cried all the while, but assured the kids I would be okay, we would all be okay, even when we get sad and it can be scary when grown ups seem sad. I gave them an opportunity, if they wished, to say goodbye to cat. They accepted. We pet him and told him he was a good boy. I told the kids he didn't suffer, he had a bad heart since he was a kitten and that he died painlessly in his sleep. All true.

And then it BEGAN . . . . . the raging debate between the youngest and the oldest child. The youngest began (sort of shouting) THE CAT GOT KILT, he seemed to like the sound and reaction of that. The older child, upset and understanding the cats death more, . . STOP IT HE JUST DIED HE DIDN'T GET KILLED. Insert me sort of quietly sobbing still (mind you it had been just 10 minutes since I discovered my cat dead) and K looking on helplessly.

I'll have you know this debate raged on until after dinner time. KILT vs. DEAD 2008. And I wasn't so sad anymore, as odd as that seems. We were all experiencing something, albeit hard, but we were doing this together. We were going to learn from it and we all really would be okay. We were all sharing our perspectives and thoughts. There were tears and discussion but no secrets. Part of the mystery of death was revealed to the children and their minds expanded, as did mine. You don't have to be a perfect parent, or parental figure. You won't always get the chance to pick the right time to share a lesson and expand minds young and old. Yesterday, life's lesson was swift, painful and confusing, but handled with honestly, love, compassion and sharing. Even in the very end, my cat kept giving to me and my family. He really was a good boy and will be missed.