Desensitized

I need to tread lightly with my topic today. It can be the cause of friction for me and K and we see things in very different lights at times. This is (sort of) a follow up for her rant regarding her ex. Every now and again I get to speak my mind to him. Here are the rules:

1. It has to be about what I've personally experienced.
2. It has to be about me or the kids.
3. It has to be constructive (on my part) and abandoned should it not prove fruitful.
4. I have to make him cry - that's my rule!! I'm 100% at following this one!!

He began in September only treating ME badly and it trickled into him treating K badly. His treatment of me escalated into a level that I was done tolerating. I believed he was being too negative with me in front of the children and I could see the kids were reacting to this. That's when it's crossed the line for me. He can be an asshole to JUST ME all day long and I really could care less. I care about how he treats K but that's not my battle. I see K and her ex as being more or less desensitized to one another. They have the same arguments in the same ways they did in a marriage that didn't work. So, with emotionally fueled topics I see it as them both hitting their heads against the wall to a degree.

It's the most odd phenomenon to me that when I get to unleash, in my therapy approved way of active listening, he cries and "changes" for a bit. He'll be downright NICE and I breath e a tiny sigh of relief. It's a cycle with him. Unfortunately, the other shoe always drops. But we have some reprieve and that's all we can ask for.

I opened my most recent conversation with asking him to explain why I had made him so angry at me. I, being the monster I am, showed up at K's oldest sons first day of school, upon the request of the child. That is something (and there should be a flyer sent out cuz I had no idea!!) RESERVED FOR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS OF CHILDREN ONLY. As are parent teacher conferences, I found out later on, but anywhoo . . . . . . . Yes, my support of his son was NOT okay even at the request of THE SON. There's a WHOLE LOT more to it than that but I'll not go into it. I think you can see me for the horrible person I am and the rational saint the ex is!!

The moral of the story is, that when you let someone unleash four months of pent up anger at you and "paraphrase it back to them" they just might get it. I listened to him let him abuse me and he absolutely tried to get in some good digs. But in the end I said. "So, what I hear you saying is that when we, as adults, are upset with each other it's okay to treat one another poorly in front of the children, we are allowed, in those instances, to be poor role models. Thank you, I guess I just needed to know the rules." We got off the phone on that note.

And he's been better ever since. He's been polite to all of us and communicative with K. That's all I really wanted. Adults to be adults. We need to take the high road always, not that I want to . . . . . . . because at times, I'd love to fight fire with fire. But I don't.

It's just odd and amazing that the same words from different people can have such dramatic and different affect.

And, yes, I made him cry. I always make him cry when he talks to me. I have no idea why, I'm not actually mean to him. I think I'm so direct I cut him to the quick. He's used to the very angry, passive-aggressive dance he does with K. I take him out of his comfort zone and it's not fun for him.
And for me?? Let me just say this, it DOES NOT break my heart when he cries. He owes every one of those tears to K and those children for his past ugly behavior.