My Need For More Head Shrinking

Right after I made the decision to leave my ex-husband, I thought it might be a good idea to pursue some individual therapy for myself. I was hesitant to do so because in the past, I had not had such good luck with with counselors. I had sought assistance a few times during my marriage and was not impressed with the quality of advice given to me AT ALL. But, I suppose I was desperate.

Since I work for a state government agency, I am entitled to all sorts of perks and benefits. I contacted my office representative and was told I would receive 6 free therapy visits and a few contacts in my area. And that is how I found him. Chris was a wonderful doctoral intern at a local counseling office. I saw him weekly for about 4 months and twice a month thereafter for almost a year. Chris helped me understand why I do the things I do and the possible reasons why I didn't realize I was a lesbian until I was 29. Truly amazing.

So the time has come to again pursue some counseling. LK was able to recognize the signs of my depression long before I ever did. And while it took me some time, I grudgingly admitted to myself and to her that she was right.

So I have an appointment next week. I must admit that I am a bit nervous. I know I am suffering from some anxiety issues and I have a short fuse. I can see this short fuse just in my day to day life with the children. I tend to lose my patience much more quickly and get frustrated over little things that didn't use to set me off. So there's no doubt that I will benefit from some assistance. It's just hard to admit when you need help.

Stuck Inside My Head

de·pres·sion

(1): a state of feeling sad : dejection (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1): a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2): a lowering of vitality or functional activity

It has come to my attention that there might actually be a word to describe my current state of mind. Depression. Ugh. I really hate that word. Unfortunately, I am not a stranger to this condition. I believe I suffered from post-partum depression for about a year after my oldest son was born. I was a new mother, completely stressed out by my colicky first born. And while I can feel some of the familiar pangs of what I went through back then, this time it feels different.

This time I imagine, my current mindset is a result of the last couple of tumultuous years I've experienced. Divorce, foreclosure, joint custody, and a new found sexual orientation. Sounds like a lot, huh? Yeah, it kind of is. My hope for this blog is ultimately self serving. Therapy for me. A way to express myself without censorship.

I didn't want to start this journey on such a depressing note (pun intended, haha!), but I feel that it's probably best to be honest with myself from the start about my state of mind. So this is where I begin.