Ex Husband Rant

Please forgive me. I wasn't planning on using this as a vessel to bitch about people in my life, but I just have to get this out. Plus my therapist told me it would be a good idea. Haha!

My ex husband is driving me to the brink of insanity. I attended my son's basketball game on Saturday afternoon (if you haven't ever watched 12 six year old boys play basketball, please do - they are freakin' adorable). We did not have the children this weekend and I showed up to the gym alone. I was sitting in the front row of the bleachers and just as I sat down, my 2 year old son and his dad came walking into the room. My 2 year old spotted me almost immediately and lavished me with hugs and kisses. My ex, on the other hand, couldn't even manage to give a courtesy hello or any other acknowledgement. In fact, he didn't say one word to me the entire game.

Now, I'm not asking for us to be chatty or personal. At all. I don't want that. But a hello would have been respectful. His anger is so poisonous. The children can sense it and he's teaching them how to become himself - an immature, angry little boy. He can't seem to put his shit aside for the children's sake. And it frustrates me to no end. I know I have no control over him and I have to set my boundaries for the sake of my mental health, but it truly is maddening. He's such a martyr. Always the victim. And everyone around him plays right into it.

I guess part of the reason all of this is so difficult is because I have first hand experience with divorced parents. I know it can be different. I know that two parents can be in the same room and carry on a conversation and be cordial for the sake of their children. My parents divorced when I was 15 and it was the best thing that ever happened to our family. They stopped fighting. Everyone got along, even if it wasn't under one roof. My parents attended all the birthdays, and school functions, graduations, etc., and they were respectful, almost friendly to one another. It was their way of showing us kids that it wasn't our fault. And I suppose that's my fear. That my children will sense their dad's anger and somehow feel it's their fault. And that is unacceptable.

My Need For More Head Shrinking

Right after I made the decision to leave my ex-husband, I thought it might be a good idea to pursue some individual therapy for myself. I was hesitant to do so because in the past, I had not had such good luck with with counselors. I had sought assistance a few times during my marriage and was not impressed with the quality of advice given to me AT ALL. But, I suppose I was desperate.

Since I work for a state government agency, I am entitled to all sorts of perks and benefits. I contacted my office representative and was told I would receive 6 free therapy visits and a few contacts in my area. And that is how I found him. Chris was a wonderful doctoral intern at a local counseling office. I saw him weekly for about 4 months and twice a month thereafter for almost a year. Chris helped me understand why I do the things I do and the possible reasons why I didn't realize I was a lesbian until I was 29. Truly amazing.

So the time has come to again pursue some counseling. LK was able to recognize the signs of my depression long before I ever did. And while it took me some time, I grudgingly admitted to myself and to her that she was right.

So I have an appointment next week. I must admit that I am a bit nervous. I know I am suffering from some anxiety issues and I have a short fuse. I can see this short fuse just in my day to day life with the children. I tend to lose my patience much more quickly and get frustrated over little things that didn't use to set me off. So there's no doubt that I will benefit from some assistance. It's just hard to admit when you need help.

The Passenger

If I had a blog, which I don't ;) I'd have called it Outside Wants In because my experience is the flip side of K, I'm LK, the passenger on her journey through all this. When I read what's written from her so far I see, Ex-husband, shared custody, new sexual identity, foreclosure, quitting smoking and depression. The weight of ONE of those things alone can crush a person, render them useless in this world, let alone the weight of ALL of those things. So, first and foremost, I'm very proud of her. I derive strength from her resolve. I'm truly in awe of the amazing person she is. I give my support to her and anyone who faces any of these issues and more. From my life experiences, I do know this, women are strong. And, from K, I'm learning a very important life lesson as the passenger here . . . . . . the hokey poky IS what it is all about. Seriously. You have to put your WHOLE self in. She has and she's still reeling from the effect of it. . . . . and I watch . . . .and listen . . . . and empathize . . . . and do everything I can except DRIVE. No hands on the wheel for me. If you are someone like me, I think you know it can feel overwhelming and maddening at times. I SO want to drive her life into a different direction at times. I WISH I was in the student driver car with the extra brake to stop it from certain directions . . . . .but I can't. For as much as I wish I could steer K away from pain and obstacles, I would steer her from learning and growth. For the most part, I try to enjoy the view, I am guilty of stomping my foot down every now and again on the imaginary brake I feel under my foot and I'm sorry every time I do. Each time I do, I short cut K's development and sharing in this process. So drive K, I'm buckled up and ready to go.

Inspiration and Other Random Ramblings

In case you were wondering, yes, I shamelessly stole the title of my blog from John Mayer's self-released debut album with the same name. I became quite obsessed with him and his music about six or seven years ago. I still do enjoy his music, but not quite to the extent of obsession back then. I felt the title accurately portrayed how I feel about my life these days. My blog title reminds me of how much Mr. Mayer's music moved me... how alive I felt because I had finally found something to be passionate about. Most of my life I've felt fairly suppressed and didn't really understand the reason. While it may be quite obvious now, it certainly wasn't back then.

In other news, I am on day three of my journey to become a non-smoker. Yes, I've tried to quit in the past and did so successfully for three years before starting up again. I quit with each of my pregnancies without much problem. But then again, I was a fairly social smoker in those days. Plus, my ex despised it. So I would usually partake when I was out with the girls or at work. About a year and a half ago, my impending divorce and subsequent lifestyle change led me to turn to nicotine for some stress relief. These days, my habit has increased to about a half a pack a day. And that's unacceptable. I'm honestly just bored of it.

I know that I need help to quit. And if I want to be successful this time, the nicotine patch and I need to become inseparable. So here I sit with a patch on my shoulder trying to ignore the burning sensation taking over my right side. Oy.

How It All Began. . .

In late 2005/early 2006, shortly after returning to work after a few months off with my son, I met and befriended a very 'out', charming, lesbian woman I will refer to here as LK. She sat right across from me and we became fast friends through a mutual acquaintance. Not long after we met, I began to think things and feel things for her that I had never felt for any person, let alone any other man.

I think now would be the time to share that I always had girlfriends growing up, went boy crazy in high school and lead a very normal teenage girl lifestyle. As I look back now, one thing that stands out was the distance I created between my girlfriends and myself. I think on some level, I just never let myself have a strong connection with other women. I was afraid of it. My family was very conservative and the mind is a very powerful thing. My little brain was just not going to let me go there, because I knew my family (my father, especially) would never accept it. There are other reasons that I won't go into here, but I was desperately in need of my father's approval. And maybe I deep down I knew if I let myself think about women in a sexual fashion, I would never get it. Anyway, I digress. . .

LK and I began flirting via email and one thing led to another and I asked her out to dinner. She very directly told me that she shouldn't ever be alone with me and promptly accepted my invitation. Everything moved quickly from there and I found myself in a situation in which I had to make some extremely tough decisions. I had two small children and a husband at home. I remember I kept asking myself the question, "Am I a lesbian?" I don't know that I answered that question honestly prior to leaving my husband, but I am certain I can answer it now. Yes. I am. Completely.

Things got hard after I moved out of my house. My ex wouldn't leave and was not at all supportive or understanding. He was blindsided. As was I. He was very angry. I worried about my children and the consequences of my actions. It was pretty horrible.

LK was also facing a divorce from her partner and we both supported each other the best we could. Those were trying times. I sometimes have a hard time believing I made it out alive. :) She has been incredibly supportive of my decisions and I love her for that. We have had our share of ups and downs, but she is the woman I love with all of my heart and soul.

How are things now? Eh, they are good. LK and I live together and we share the kids 50/50 with their father. He's no saint, I assure you. But he's getting better. I still harbor some guilt about everything I put my children through, but I'm learning to let it go. My philosophy is a happy mom = happy kids. And honestly, they are doing just fine.

Stuck Inside My Head

de·pres·sion

(1): a state of feeling sad : dejection (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1): a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2): a lowering of vitality or functional activity

It has come to my attention that there might actually be a word to describe my current state of mind. Depression. Ugh. I really hate that word. Unfortunately, I am not a stranger to this condition. I believe I suffered from post-partum depression for about a year after my oldest son was born. I was a new mother, completely stressed out by my colicky first born. And while I can feel some of the familiar pangs of what I went through back then, this time it feels different.

This time I imagine, my current mindset is a result of the last couple of tumultuous years I've experienced. Divorce, foreclosure, joint custody, and a new found sexual orientation. Sounds like a lot, huh? Yeah, it kind of is. My hope for this blog is ultimately self serving. Therapy for me. A way to express myself without censorship.

I didn't want to start this journey on such a depressing note (pun intended, haha!), but I feel that it's probably best to be honest with myself from the start about my state of mind. So this is where I begin.

The First Post

So it took me a year to compose my first post. So what? I needed to think about it, obviously. My life is complicated. I figure if I don't start writing about it, I might go nuts. So it begins.