Desensitized

I need to tread lightly with my topic today. It can be the cause of friction for me and K and we see things in very different lights at times. This is (sort of) a follow up for her rant regarding her ex. Every now and again I get to speak my mind to him. Here are the rules:

1. It has to be about what I've personally experienced.
2. It has to be about me or the kids.
3. It has to be constructive (on my part) and abandoned should it not prove fruitful.
4. I have to make him cry - that's my rule!! I'm 100% at following this one!!

He began in September only treating ME badly and it trickled into him treating K badly. His treatment of me escalated into a level that I was done tolerating. I believed he was being too negative with me in front of the children and I could see the kids were reacting to this. That's when it's crossed the line for me. He can be an asshole to JUST ME all day long and I really could care less. I care about how he treats K but that's not my battle. I see K and her ex as being more or less desensitized to one another. They have the same arguments in the same ways they did in a marriage that didn't work. So, with emotionally fueled topics I see it as them both hitting their heads against the wall to a degree.

It's the most odd phenomenon to me that when I get to unleash, in my therapy approved way of active listening, he cries and "changes" for a bit. He'll be downright NICE and I breath e a tiny sigh of relief. It's a cycle with him. Unfortunately, the other shoe always drops. But we have some reprieve and that's all we can ask for.

I opened my most recent conversation with asking him to explain why I had made him so angry at me. I, being the monster I am, showed up at K's oldest sons first day of school, upon the request of the child. That is something (and there should be a flyer sent out cuz I had no idea!!) RESERVED FOR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS OF CHILDREN ONLY. As are parent teacher conferences, I found out later on, but anywhoo . . . . . . . Yes, my support of his son was NOT okay even at the request of THE SON. There's a WHOLE LOT more to it than that but I'll not go into it. I think you can see me for the horrible person I am and the rational saint the ex is!!

The moral of the story is, that when you let someone unleash four months of pent up anger at you and "paraphrase it back to them" they just might get it. I listened to him let him abuse me and he absolutely tried to get in some good digs. But in the end I said. "So, what I hear you saying is that when we, as adults, are upset with each other it's okay to treat one another poorly in front of the children, we are allowed, in those instances, to be poor role models. Thank you, I guess I just needed to know the rules." We got off the phone on that note.

And he's been better ever since. He's been polite to all of us and communicative with K. That's all I really wanted. Adults to be adults. We need to take the high road always, not that I want to . . . . . . . because at times, I'd love to fight fire with fire. But I don't.

It's just odd and amazing that the same words from different people can have such dramatic and different affect.

And, yes, I made him cry. I always make him cry when he talks to me. I have no idea why, I'm not actually mean to him. I think I'm so direct I cut him to the quick. He's used to the very angry, passive-aggressive dance he does with K. I take him out of his comfort zone and it's not fun for him.
And for me?? Let me just say this, it DOES NOT break my heart when he cries. He owes every one of those tears to K and those children for his past ugly behavior.

A Bad Day - Revisted

Yesterday was a bad day. I was running late to work, trying to fix lunches for the family and feeding the boys breakfast, pretty much simultaneously, when I discovered my 12 year old cat dead in the garage. He was laying in this strange position that didn't look comfortable, I bent down and pet his legs but he didn't react. My hectic morning, which was more or less a blur, suddenly stopped and had a much more acute focus than I had anticipated for the morning. I went inside to get K, I'm fanatical about my cats and K will tell you I like them more than most humans . . . I'll not disagree . . . BUT I KNEW I was mistaken, my kitty was okay, I was overreacting . . . . .K would make the cat be alive. . . . . . I was SURE of it. I was already crying when I went in the kitchen from the garage and asked for her help. Okay, that asking might have been sort of sobbing and . . . . . I really don't remember much else. . . . .or if I even used words. I may have just motioned to the garage.

K was kind enough to clarify for me that the cat was indeed dead. I made her check for breathing, turn him over, check again for breathing and then CHECK FOR BREATHING BECAUSE HE'S NOT DEAD. No denial here. I'm fine now, really :)

When we returned into the house, the kids were scared and thus begins my bad day revisited. I stopped and took a deep breath. D*mn, I didn't mean to scare the kids. For the 5 minute process of discovering my pet and confirming it's death, I only thought of myself and my pain. I looked into these tiny scared eyes fixed on me and my crying. I began to explain what had happened to the kitty. We spoke at great length, I cried all the while, but assured the kids I would be okay, we would all be okay, even when we get sad and it can be scary when grown ups seem sad. I gave them an opportunity, if they wished, to say goodbye to cat. They accepted. We pet him and told him he was a good boy. I told the kids he didn't suffer, he had a bad heart since he was a kitten and that he died painlessly in his sleep. All true.

And then it BEGAN . . . . . the raging debate between the youngest and the oldest child. The youngest began (sort of shouting) THE CAT GOT KILT, he seemed to like the sound and reaction of that. The older child, upset and understanding the cats death more, . . STOP IT HE JUST DIED HE DIDN'T GET KILLED. Insert me sort of quietly sobbing still (mind you it had been just 10 minutes since I discovered my cat dead) and K looking on helplessly.

I'll have you know this debate raged on until after dinner time. KILT vs. DEAD 2008. And I wasn't so sad anymore, as odd as that seems. We were all experiencing something, albeit hard, but we were doing this together. We were going to learn from it and we all really would be okay. We were all sharing our perspectives and thoughts. There were tears and discussion but no secrets. Part of the mystery of death was revealed to the children and their minds expanded, as did mine. You don't have to be a perfect parent, or parental figure. You won't always get the chance to pick the right time to share a lesson and expand minds young and old. Yesterday, life's lesson was swift, painful and confusing, but handled with honestly, love, compassion and sharing. Even in the very end, my cat kept giving to me and my family. He really was a good boy and will be missed.

The Passenger

If I had a blog, which I don't ;) I'd have called it Outside Wants In because my experience is the flip side of K, I'm LK, the passenger on her journey through all this. When I read what's written from her so far I see, Ex-husband, shared custody, new sexual identity, foreclosure, quitting smoking and depression. The weight of ONE of those things alone can crush a person, render them useless in this world, let alone the weight of ALL of those things. So, first and foremost, I'm very proud of her. I derive strength from her resolve. I'm truly in awe of the amazing person she is. I give my support to her and anyone who faces any of these issues and more. From my life experiences, I do know this, women are strong. And, from K, I'm learning a very important life lesson as the passenger here . . . . . . the hokey poky IS what it is all about. Seriously. You have to put your WHOLE self in. She has and she's still reeling from the effect of it. . . . . and I watch . . . .and listen . . . . and empathize . . . . and do everything I can except DRIVE. No hands on the wheel for me. If you are someone like me, I think you know it can feel overwhelming and maddening at times. I SO want to drive her life into a different direction at times. I WISH I was in the student driver car with the extra brake to stop it from certain directions . . . . .but I can't. For as much as I wish I could steer K away from pain and obstacles, I would steer her from learning and growth. For the most part, I try to enjoy the view, I am guilty of stomping my foot down every now and again on the imaginary brake I feel under my foot and I'm sorry every time I do. Each time I do, I short cut K's development and sharing in this process. So drive K, I'm buckled up and ready to go.